Hello All,
In my days as a computer geek I learned a lot about the whole right-way/wrong-way concept. In many ways my life resembled a Dilbert cartoon, an example would be when I was called to a woman’s desk to change her screen saver. Nope, not kidding, to change her screen saver. Well, I
have learned on this trip through the life and times of active military service that there is also an Army-way, and it’s not necessarily the right-way or the wrong-way. Another example, sure I can do that.
The Army is taking over this camp, relieving the Navy and allowing all the sailors to head on to greener pastures (I hope they’re greener, all you have here is sand). Now that Army uses a different checkbook than the Navy, even though all the cash comes from you taxpayers pockets (oh, yeah, since this is still a combat zone I’m not paying taxes right now, none of us are. Isn’ t that great!). Anyway, as the Army takes over the post, it also assumes all the responsibilities for the day-to-day operations, i.e. food, water, Port-O-Crappers.
The Port-O-Crapper, a magnificent invention that can be appreciated by all is all we have for toilets around here. In the last war, I am told, they didn’t have Port-O-Crappers and had to build latrines with a waste management system consisting of a 55 gallon drum cut in half. Soldiers would relieve themselves into the drum, and after time it would have to be dumped into a large pit with other excrement and then burned. This detail (see Army for job) would be lovingly referred to as Shit Burning, and was reserved for soldiers that screwed up REALLY badly (you can imagine the smell). But we don’t have that problem we have Port-O-Crappers.
At least we did have Port-O-Crappers. New management means new contracts and new Port-O-Crappers, and that means the old ones need to be hauled away, enter the Army way. Before you could haul away the old ones they needed to be cleaned out, so they were and to prevent further use laid on their sides. This made it pretty obvious to even the densest trooper that the Port-O-Crapper is out of service and shouldn’t be used. This way the old crappers could be prepared to be removed and the new ones could be installed (why would the Army want to use the same crappers as the Navy was using? I mean, they were NAVY crappers, right? It’s not like the Army could use Navy crappers, right?).
Now it’s a little sad to say this, but I’ve become something of a connoisseur of Port-O-Crappers. I’ve been using them since I got to this country, and I’ve got to tell you that there is a difference. The old ones were way better (see hygienic and I’ll spare you the details) than these new models, yep, that is pathetic. Uuug, I know way too much about these things. I can’t wait to get to the land of flush toilets and pizza delivery and cold beer and oh, sorry… I was in my happy place.
However, whoever planned this operation did not take into account that we would still need to use some kind of latrine (see French for, “To Shit”) until the new crappers were installed. The powers that be decided that a good way to manage waste removal and rotate the crappers would be to knock down 4 old crappers and leave one standing in it’s stead. Can you see the problem here? Be advised that the 4 previous crappers were well used (see
Busy) enough to need 4 crappers. Now there is only one. And this has happened at several points around the camp, not just by my tent. I wouldn’t call this the right way, and it could sure be a lot more wrong, so I guess it’s the Army way.
Wait a second, more wrong? What the heck is that? That would be where all the crappers were removed except one outside the perimeter, past the concertina wire, beyond the machine guns and on top of a big sand dune. Yeah, that would be more wrong than the current system. Oh wait, that would be retarded.
The good news is that the toilet paper shortage isn’t quite so bad.
I love you all,
Will
PS – There’s a plot to tip some of those old Port-O-Crappers back over. I don’t know who might do something like that, but I’ll bet that he’s in my company, hell, I’ll bet he’s in my platoon.
Let's see:
No latrines, no desert uniforms, same chow every day, confined to an area surrounded by razor wire, sleeping quarters supposed to sleep 9 that are sleeping 18, no fraternization...sounds like prison to me...Of course, add humidity, sand, heat, no family, pizza or beer and you definitely must feel like you're in prison.
I hope they send you home very soon, the war is bad enough--all these other conditions are just horrid.
Yuck!
It's good to see that the Army hasn't lost their sense of humor. I'm sure it won't be long before the new and Army improved Port-O-Crappers show up. At least your sense of humor hasn't gone down the Port-O-Crapper. Take care of yourself. Those of us back here will have a beer and a pizza for you. Looking forward to the next story.
Posted by: Tommy TBONE on August 10, 2003 12:58 PMPort-O-Pots (Crappers)!!!! Uuuuhhhggg!!! A few years ago I came to realize that if I had a phobia about anything, that was what it was for. I cannot stand to go into one of those things. I know there are "medical?" terms for all the phobias that people can have....I wonder what it is for mine.
Posted by: Cindy on August 10, 2003 03:01 PMSmile, at least you don't have a full division using just one crapper!
Posted by: Captain Scarecrow on August 10, 2003 05:30 PMWill-
If the desert winds kick up the Army will have literally created a shit storm.
Good thing they did not decide to cut off your chow to stem the tide of waste output.
Food, water, clothing, shelter, electricity and sewer system- I think these are the basic needs we are currently trying to provide the Iraqi people.
Is the message: "Get in line soldier."?
Here's hoping your generator is running.
In the meantime, I think we here at home should have to participate in a day or two of "If its yellow, let it mellow. If its brown, flush it down." to show our sympathy for Will and his troops.
Our Tidy Bowl Man reporting from the field.
Sorry bout your crappy situation - really pisses me off.
Szaffie
Posted by: SzaffireBlue on August 10, 2003 07:05 PMWill...may I respond to Cindy's comment before saying hi to you? Thanks.
CINDY: I believe the medical term for fear of these lovely inventions is :" MOBILECRAPPAPHOBIA". I empathize.
HEEEEEYYYYYYYYY WILL!
How are you? (besides the crappy situation that once again you find yourselves in) I'm sincerely sorry for the pun..I meant it, but it was in crappy taste. Oh oh! I did it again! I should be spanked for joking about such a topic when it's a serious annoyance for your platoon. My apologies. Really.
How's the nephew doing? Give my regards to your guys for me ( I KNOW you won't give em all a hug from me, huh?) and I'm wondering how the jilted one is doing. (See that bitch...still) Whooops...my bad...that wasn't a very altruistic thing to say was it? Tough.
So, uh, does the guy who pulled the grenade stunt do crap burning duty? LOL I bet Mr. Get Drunk And Make A Spectacle Of Yourself would have been a good crap burner! LMAO What a way to sober up, eh?
Concerning your comment, "(why would the Army want to use the same crappers as the Navy was using? I mean, they were NAVY crappers, right? It’s not like the Army could use Navy crappers, right?)"...of course they can't use them! They have NAVY cooties, naturally! The Army wouldn't want NAVY cooties! *rolls eyes* Methinks Corrections likes to imitate the military, because this sounds like something they would do as well. Go figure.
Take care, and try to time your bodily functions for awhile....it's at least something to do, right? Just consider it discipline training. (See Self Improvement) LOL
Hugs, Thoughts, Prayers to you and your platoon, Will.
Godspeed,
Judi
Will -
Had some experience with Port-o-crappers this weekend at the Golf Classic. These were pretty nice as they had "his/hers" facilities. In other words, I've learned you can share one of these.
So while you only have one still standing, you can double up on the usage - assuming
the business to be done can be done while standing.
Ok, now that you are all freaked out - tip the suckers back up.....
Hi Will;
Under the best of circumstances the port a potty are pretty rank. I love the idea of some how the wind magically sets the port a potty's upright.
Here's a prayer sent your way that you and your guys make it home fast, and healthy. I also would like to know how your jilted soilder is doing, and prayers for your nephew too.
Do the new ones have toilet tennis? If not, what game do they have?
Some things about the military never change. The highest rank shoulld be GCS (General of Common Sense) and this rank should bestowed only on merit.
Posted by: JG on August 11, 2003 10:08 AMUrl goes to a very amusing text phile created for the Cult of the Dead Cow...
http://www.cultdeadcow.com/cDc_files/cDc-0355.txt
Posted by: Carson O'Gin on August 11, 2003 11:28 AMI would have tip'd that mother back over before it had much of a chance to hit the ground. What is up with the logic (see lack of) around there?
I'm glad you at least get some relief with the fog... now to find the Port-O-Crappers in the haze...
I think the one that is left for all to use, should be moved nice and close to the tent of the person that has the highest rank. Bet the situation will be resolved quickly once they 'sense' that 'rank' isn't only something you wear... ;)
Time for a late night mission to return the 'Port-O-Crappers' to standing.
And my husband wonders why I can come out of a sun baked pit toilet in the mountains smiling... I know when I've got it good.
Take care!
Posted by: Kathy on August 11, 2003 12:02 PMSoldier,
As far as I'm concerned, you should be exempt from paying taxes for the rest of your life.
I'd join you if I could; but I'm an old cuss and would probably die of heat exhaustion in the first week.
Posted by: Dorsano on August 11, 2003 11:19 PMEverytime we jumped our TOC location at NTC, the contractors would be along behind us to bring the portajohns....
It was hovering around 110-120 in the daylight the 10 days we were in the box, so you'd see people biding their time every night about twilight looking for an available portajohn.
Posted by: Jeff on August 11, 2003 11:27 PMLook, I know you're in a very large sandbox. But if you can get ahold of some wood??? If you save the wood ASH from the BBQ (if you can manage that BBQ, the goat with hair ON and all). All you have to do is dump about a cup of wood ash into the crapper regularly, and not only the smell, but the decomposition will be 'blessed'. Eh? Scrap wood, dead limbs, the occasional drunken tree - hey! improvise. Luck, youse guys. G
I was in GWI and wound up burning feces one time. We ran a rotation, everybody under E-6 had to do it, until we had enough people who screwed up badly - and then they were put on permanent rotation. This lead to an endless supply of weak jokes relating to s*** - but nobody minded since bad jokes were a good way to rid ourselves of the day.
The smell of burning human dung was pretty atrocious, but the worst part was pulling the sawed-off 55 gallon drums out of the back side of the crapper, whilst eyeballing the waste to avoid splashback as the drum dropped onto the ground.
Most of the crappers were 4 holers, and they were unisex. They were built like a wooden baseball dugout - a rectangular box, wood on the bottom, top half was screened in - so you had a pretty good view of the camp as you relieved yourself. And everyone had a good view of you straining, since you'd been eating second generation MREs for a few weeks. The seat inside was a smaller rectangular box, just a countertop, basically, about half the width of the box, 30 inches or so off the floor, with four holes cut in it. You will never bitch about a cold toilet seat again after you've sat on bare splintery plywood. (We did rig up two-by-four "seats" after a while; they were less splintery).
When we went operational and I moved out with a Cav unit, we had some worn out M-1 road wheels. Three of these piled atop each other (they are about 10 inches high, with a 6 inch hole in the middle, like a huge automobile wheel rim) made a great seat. Just stack 'em over a cat hole, and let 'er rip. You were out in the open and there was no modesty, but it beat squatting out in the tall grass. The only problem was that the local dung beatles became accustomed to the sound of a web belt getting unfastened, so you'd have dung beatles running over your feat and diving into the hole as you relieved yourself, kinda like the seagulls in "Finding Nemo." "Mine... mine... mine.. mine... "
The funniest thing that happened is most folks totally lost their modesty. I remember sitting on a four hole crapper one day early in the morning after a planning meeting for an op, just reading a copy of some month-old newspaper that found its way into the field. This female lieutenant saunters in, drops drawers and starts pushing one out.
"Can I have the sports section?"
"Um, sure L.T. Here ya go. Jeeeezus, what the hell have you been eating?"
"S*** mostly. I'm only a lieutenant. It's what we do. Wanna go to OCS Sergeant?"
I almost fell of the john laughing. We actually became pretty good friends after that, and I wound up cutting her hair every time I saw her over the next six months or so. We stayed friends after the war when the unit redeployed to the 'States. It was a pretty wierd way to make friends with somebody, but she had a great sense of humor.
And to answer the question begged by all this, no, of course I didn't. The situation was so silly, that I just couldn't have done it. I'd have been laughing too hard.
Posted by: Omnibus Bill on August 12, 2003 09:40 AMHi Will,
Hmmmm...Sounds like a buncha crap! :) I really do believe that the Army pukes over there are full of crap. Okay, okay, enough of my awful puns. I couldn't help it. God forbid they should keep the Navy crappers there! The world would come to an end! I've heard a variation on the same thing since I've been in the Navy - There's the right way, the wrong way, and the Navy way. (Never did hear that there's a crappy way). I'm writing this on a full moon, what do you expect? Perhaps the Army is working to improve things a little, hopefully. Hey Will, you keep going back to that happy place. Everyone should have one. You guys hang in there and stay safe.
There is; THE RIGHT WAY, THE WRONG, AND THE ARMY WAY!!! sorry I am an army brat and have lived this way almost as long as you. You are my hero!
Posted by: Scarlett on August 13, 2003 08:36 AMI know it isn't funny to you folks, but I couldn't help but smile my way through the whole Port OCrappers bit.
I'm sure it is a matter of inventory/accountability that caused the Navy to have them replaced, but isn't it interesting in this modern day a better method could not be found?
Posted by: MizB on August 14, 2003 03:06 PMSome insight on the portajohns:
The Army and the Navy, in their infinite wisdom have a document somewhere that designates the proper soldier/sailor to crapper ratio.
That's all fine and dandy *if* you are concentrated in one area. Unfortunately, in our camp, we have living areas, and then we have working areas, and the can be quite far apart. Well, no more than a mile or 2 apart, but in this heat it seems like 20 if you have to walk it.
When the Navy contracted for the shitters, we soon realized that we didn't have enough to properly supply the living areas if we also wanted to provide them in the work areas. Consequently we went more than 50% over our authorized shitter allowance.
The Army - which is taking over base management in the very near future, initially tried to do it on the cheap by installing only the authorized number of shitters.
However, they've seen it's not working well, and *may* increase the numbers.
All of this has been discussed at the O-6 level, and it hasn't been pretty.
Finally, the old shitters were tipped over *after* they were cleaned, so that they would still be clean (inside) when they were picked up. This being UMEC™, and the land of inshallah, the 2 events are guaranteed to not happen on schedule and the tipped over shitters have been sitting here a lot longer than anyone expeceted - just tempting soldiers and sailors to put them back in use.
Why they didn't transfer the Navy contract to the Army is beyond me. All I can think is they had a supplier at one of the other Army-run bases around here (and they're all army except us) who they're comfortable with and have a good relationship with, and they brought him in.
Posted by: Kevin on August 15, 2003 02:16 PMwe tipped a few outhouses over as kids... i suspect the impact on the occupants would be the same in the porta crappers....
:)
(evil grin)
Posted by: cris on August 21, 2003 04:10 PMHey Will! Just got a chance to check out your letters - they are great! They explain things to me that the husband can't or just doesn't. :) We know what a talker he is! I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and can't wait until the my guys are home. I will be moving up to town in a few days and will keep the unit lights burning. (That means I'll press my face to the glass frequently and make sure the yellow ribbon is still hanging onto the mailbox.) Take care and come home to see the newest Evans!!
Posted by: Evans on September 3, 2003 10:49 AM
Will is a pretty good writer and this is the collection of his writings. It'll be interesting to hear updates from a soldier's point of view, so I'll be posting them for all to read.
Take care Will