Hello All,

Well, it's been a couple days since I've written, and I've got ALL kinds of news to talk (see RANT) about. In my last message, I told you all about how we're simulating (see PRETENDING) our missions to prove our worthiness to the Army (fairly understandable, considering that we're in the Chemical Warfare business). However, things have grown to a whole new level (see ASININE).

We have a team of Observer Controllers (see ANAL-RETENTIVE) that are here to "help" us validate (we can't leave the Iceberg until we're validated as a qualified unit). Now, in the civilian world, these people would be subject matter experts. Full of knowledge, understanding and, perish the thought, help. In the Army world, our "helpers" have neither technical nor tactical expertise (see JACK-SHIT) in our field. At one time, they (the officers in
charge) were Chemical Soldiers, but they now do things like Artillery and Supply (see NON-QUALIFIED). Would you like an example? Sure, I can do that. One of our missions is to generate smoke on the battlefield. No big deal, we're trained for it, as all Chemical Soldiers are, but on the first day our "helpers" arrived here, they asked the question, "What do you need to perform your mission?" Considering that all our equipment is on a railroad car, the answer seemed fairly obvious. "No, no, no, we can get you smoke generators (see EQUIPMENT PREVIOUSLY LOADED ON RAILROAD CARS!), what else do you need for that mission?" Being a good (see SQUARED AWAY) Chemical Soldier, I rattled off a list of requirements for smoke, fuel type, consumption, fog oil, etc. I said it all fairly quickly, and a bit flippantly, but they began to scribble away furiously. They, the "helpers," didn't even bother to learn about our mission requirements before coming here to "help." For all of you lucky (and warm) civilians, this may seem a bit outrageous. Unqualified personnel overseeing the training and validation of a deployed unit? Yep, it's actually quite typical.

No worries, says our hero (Yours Truly), we'll just show them how we do our job, and everything will be cool. Um, no. You see, these unqualified soldiers (the officers I mean, the enlisted members of the Validation Team are squared away, and I'd like to take most of them with us, and no, I still can't say where we're going) are reading the Army Training requirements. Seems like a good idea, since we're supposed to train the way we fight, however, they are being a bit too professional (see ANAL) in their jobs. I believe in realistic training, hard training and fair training. But these guys are going overboard.

We have no equipment, as I've previously stated. But they've found us some. It's all in good shape, barely used in fact. But only enough for one platoon to use at a time (oh, and I should note that they are standing in the room with me, RIGHT NOW!). So, we're stuck simulating everything until it's our turn for the mission. Can anyone else here see a SMALL problem with this equation? Me too. I've been training my soldiers in the classroom and on the parade field (it's the only place big enough to practice walking around saying, "I'm a HUMVEE, I'm a HUMVEE"). My soldiers are ready to work with their equipment, for the past 3 days, and there isn't any to work with. So, they're bored, and VERY tired of walking around saying, "I'm a HUMVEE, I'm a HUMVEE."

The worst part is the variables they are throwing out. It's almost retarded. "What if ALL your leaders are taken out?" Duh, we throw a party. "What happens if you equipment breaks down?" Umm, call AAA? These talking monkeys are just being stupid to see if we know how to react, and we have proven it, for 3 days running! But they just keep on pushing. And I'm beginning to feel like the coyote that's hanging in midair, looking down and then back up at the camera, holding up a sign saying, "You've got to be kidding me."

Oh, and did I mention the fact that we're simulating almost EVERYTHING. We can't pump water, since we're on an Iceberg and the pumps will freeze. We're simulating the Decontaminating Solution, because it's HIGHLY caustic, and Toxic to Humans not in the proper gear (ok, this isn't a new simulation, but the fact that we are simulating the mops used to apply it to tanks is an entirely different thing, NO MOPS!) But the one thing that we are NOT simulating is time. It's 15 degrees outside, but my people are out there, NOT simulating the 30 minute wait time for the solution to work. Oh, not, lets not skip out on the wait time, that would be TOO much! Forget about the mops, but we need the 30 minute wait time to ensure FROSTBITE! I have smoked 134 cigarettes (in 3 days) trying to maintain my military bearing, and they're beginning to let me down.

I think I might've picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue. Fuck.

Love,
Will

PS I'd like to send out another Thank You to all those sending Snail Mail. You know who you are, I do appreciate it very much.