Hello All,
I know that I've promised to tell you all about the laundry experience in the past, and I have let you down. I would like to apologize for that and make it up to you today with a double header. First, the laundry situation.
Laundry here at Camp Patriot is pretty nice, a drop off service and a 3 day turn around. This is the time where you're happy that all your clothes look the same, and picking out something to wear is a no brainer. However, back at Camp Coyote, in the middle of the Kuwati desert, there was no laundry service, and we soldiers had to improvise (see Wash by hand). I have never washed my clothes by hand, outside of wearing them and then jumping into a river, but that wasn't exactly washing, and neither was what we were doing in Camp Coyote.
The process began with one of your buddies looking over at you with a crinkled nose and saying, "Man, you fucking reek," or something along those lines. The next step was looking into your duffle bag and seeing the bottom of the bag and one odd sock (I don't know how it happens, but I am always missing one sock. This has happened on 3 continents now, and I no longer care about the how, why or where). Coming to the painful realization that it's time to do laundry, again (see Damn), I would always remove the offending garments and perform my own, no bullshit, assessment of the odor. Nine times out of ten I didn't think it was that bad, and then I quit smoking, and regained my olfactory senses. That was actually the worst part of quitting this time. Smelling myself. Next I would secure two or three containers for water, large bowls worked fairly well, a couple people bought large drip pans and shared them with the company. Fill both (I never had three, there was always someone else using the third bowl) with warm water and add detergent to one of them. If you have no detergent, one may substitute a bar of soap, but I would recommend using someone else's bar of soap, 'cause this is where things get nasty.
It is important to remember that we were in the middle of the desert, and the cleanest thing around was probably my mind (believe it or not, NOT!). So, as I was washing my first article of clothing, usually a uniform (want to use clean water for that) in the soapy water. Some people brought wash boards (you might have to try to find a picture online) and they were smarter than I was. I would rub the most malodorous areas together, trying to scrub the garment on itself, I'll bet you can imagine how well that worked. Scrub, scrub, scrub, dunk, dunk, dunk and it's time to rinse the soap out of the item in question. Wait, before you just throw that sucker into your rinse water (see Second Bowl), you need to ring that sucker out. Ring, ring, ring and squeeeeeeze, and then repeat. Then you throw the sucker into the rinse water, dunk it, swirl it around and repeat. Repeat that again cause it's still got suds coming out of it. Again. Now ring it out, squeeze the shit out of it and hang it on a line between two tents. Continue this process for every article of clothing, and now you're seeing another reason NOT to wear underwear around here. One less thing to wash. You're also seeing the reason to wash as often as possible to minimize the actual work involved on a daily basis. Oh, but I haven't told you about the best part.
The best part is that in the middle of the desert, there are sand storms. And even a still breeze, while feeling pretty good, is enough to coat your previously clean (see Almost) clothes with a fine layer of sand. I was really beginning to hate the place when I took a walk one night and realized that the winds died down with the sun, usually, and my clothes would probably be dry by morning. Unless it decided to rain, and I think I've already told you about that little experience (see Poncho and Birthday suit.
ARRRUUUGGHHH!)
I guess it wasn't too terrible an experience. I have learned to love washing machines and dryers, and I have a new found respect for my grandmothers who washed clothes like that all the time (and I'll bet they're nodding in agreement with me right now).
The second part of this message concerns Boom-Booms. You see, as the Marines we're supporting transition from a war-fighter mode to a moving home mode, they have to turn in all their weapons and explosives that they didn't use (this is a safety measure and a good one at that!). However, accidents happen (no this isn't the boom-booms) and sometimes people "forget" to turn in little things, like bullets, flares, or even grenades.
Grenades are relatively small things, just a little bigger than a baseball and packed with explosives. They are very handy to have around, and have been around in one form or another for centuries. Now, if a soldier, or a Marine, "forgets" to turn in a grenade, there is an "Amnesty Box" where anyone can go and drop off unexpended ordnance without fear of punishment. However, if a soldier, or more aptly for this situation, a Marine (we were never issued grenades, probably a good thing) is not smart enough to use the Amnesty Box, and is too stupid to think clearly, he might just drop a grenade he had "forgotten" about into a Port-o-John.
Now a quick word on safeties. On a fragmentation grenade there are two safety mechanisms. The first is the widely known pin, as seen in countless movies, that holds the spoon (the part that flies off the grenade when the fuse starts and the grenade is about to explode). The second is a small wire that holds down the spoon, which prevents the spoon from flying off when the pin is pulled and thereby igniting the fuse. If you're confused by this, you can probably find more info on it at howitworks.com, they've got everything.
Back to the matter at hand, there was a grenade in the Port-o-John, and thank God it still had the safeties on. Well, when the nice man came along to suck the excrement out of the John, he was surprised when the hose became clogged, and even more upset when he discovered a grenade was doing the clogging! No, the grenade did not go off, the boom-booms are coming up now. The boom-booms came when the Marine First Sergeant heard about the grenade in the Port-o-John.
The First Sergeant is the highest ranking NCO in a company. He is also the end of the line as far as NCO ass-kicking goes, and if he's a Marine, he is not a man to trifle with. The Boom-Booms came when he found out about the grenade and began kicking Marine Ass all around the compound. The man is an artist, linking vulgarities in twisted and obscure sentences to form a tapestry of pain and filth. I stood in awe as he shattered my personal record of 23 consecutive curses and didn't stop until well after 50. He isn't a small man, but not exceptionally tall either, but Marines were running like he was one of the four horsemen, and his words were like fire. By the time it was over, no ordnance had been "forgotten" anymore. To verify this, they brought an ammo sniffing (I didn't know they had them either) dog down to check every tent.
It was one hell of a show, and reinforced my belief that I am VERY glad to be a soldier, and not a Marine. They never caught the guy who dumped the grenade, but I'll bet he never tells anyone about his grievous sin. I'll bet he won't even confess it to a priest. I wouldn't.
Time to get going, I just heard a Marine shout, and this could be pretty good. They should sell tickets to this, might help pay for the war!
I love you all,
Will
PS - On a quick note, does anyone know how much this is costing you lucky civilians? Soldiers in a combat zone, yep Kuwait counts, don't pay taxes, and we're just sitting around washing Marine vehicles.
Keep up the good work of spending all of our tax dollars for us!! My husband and I read your site regularly it very funny to hear it coming from someone who's there and can still laugh about it!! Keep safe and come home soon.
Posted by: Perri on May 13, 2003 12:45 PMhey Will!
glad to see you are at least staying busy with the tedious.... Bless your heart! I'll bet you guys will have a better appreciation for Right Guard (see pit stick) as well as washing machines and dryers! when are you coming home, and when does your book tour start? let me know, I'll be first in line.... love ya darlin, take care
Hi Will;
Good to find a man that can keep his promise's eventually. (Look under man time) When you get back to the real world I bet you kiss your Maytag. Also you won't have to worry so much about hazardous waste (aka grenade) in your own bathroom.
I am so happy you are doing okay and keeping your sense of humor. As long as you guys keep safe I don't care what it costs. Just come home safe and keep writing.
And don't forget you can now add to your resume "licensed car washer."
debby from texas
Posted by: debby on May 13, 2003 12:55 PMHey Will!
You are still cracking us up! Any more rumors about coming home? I hope it's soon!
When you get back, you can come to Arkansas and teach me some good van-washing techniques. I'll feed you some good Italian food and homemade wine. Of course, we'll have all the beer you can drink, too! My husband's always on my ass about washing the van, so won't he be impressed if I have a professional give me pointers!
Seriously, we're looking forward to having you back stateside, safe and sound. Take care!!
Hey Will!
I have been reading your online Blog for weeks now and you crack me up! I will NEVER complain about doing the laundry (see automatic washer & dryer!) ever again.
Thanks for all you do for us back here at home!
Be safe.
Posted by: Theresa on May 13, 2003 01:51 PMWill,
Hopefully you will get to come home soon.
Who cares what the cost is, freedom is not free.
Jan
Posted by: Jan on May 13, 2003 03:01 PMHey Will, I've been reading your blogs for a few weeks now! I'm always answering your questions for you. I'll never complain about doing laundry again...that really must suck! Keep the Blogs comin!
Posted by: Julie on May 13, 2003 03:04 PMYour boom boom story took me back to my childhood and my brothers tossing fireworks (usually M80s) under where ever my friends and I were sleeping. Not sure why, but (sigh) I miss those guys.
Too much of that secret bottle and a visit to the wrong port-o-john would have given an entire new meaning to shit faced... ;) By the way, sounds like you might want to securely stash your stash (see previous post)...
Keep writing Will, it gives us bored worker drones something to smile about. While I would like to say I'm never going to complain about laundry again... I still will, only I'll probably laugh about how it could be worse!
Take care and hope your state side soon.
Kathy
Man, I tell all my best friends about your site because you are just one of the most hilarious people I've ever heard. Lord. That should be made into a TV show or something, god damn! I don't really care about the bill myself (See Canadian) but I think it was around 80 million or billion.....one of the two anyway, billion sounds more likely. Take it easy Will!
-Ryan from Canada eh?
Posted by: Ryan on May 13, 2003 05:53 PMAaahhh, Grasshopper Will!
I do know of what you speak when talking of 'hand' washing. There have been a time or two where I was flat broke (usually a few days before payday) and really needed to wash clothes for my son & I. I may have had it a bit easier than you, since instead of a bowl of water, I used my bathtub, and intead of sand getting on my newly washed clothes it was cat hair, but still, it sucked! Royally.
Care to hear my method of tub-washing? Hopefully you said yes, 'cause I'm 'a gonna tell ya! Fill tub with warm water (mental note, NOT HOT, since you will be immersing your feet in it!) Pour in detergent. Swish with feet. Step out, kneel down and scrub scrub scrub (does some of this sound familiar yet Will?) Sometimes there are numerous items in the tub, all color seperated, of course. (See WHITES WITH WHITES, COLORS WITH COLORS) It is best to do a whole washer load at one time, since you really discover you do NOT wish to repeat this too many times! Scrub, scrub, scrub....step in and swish, swish, swish!! (don't dance too much ... soap and water is slippery! I know.)
Repeat process.
Drain water, refill tub with clean water. Repeat above process of swish, swish, swishing with feet. Drain water again.
Now comes another part you know, Will: wring, wring, wring around the ...er, I mean wringing out!! Now, since I do not have two tents to string between, nor a clothesline outside (See UNALLOWED WHERE I LIVE the creeps) one must casually drape the now clean, but VERY wet clothes around the house, and hope no one comes over that night so you don't need to explain about the "sudden odd rainstorm that occurred INSIDE! (I wonder what natural phenomenon caused THAT!?)
Next, comes acting as though this is quite normal in every household. (See HMMMM HMMM HMMM...LA LA LA LA LA...EVERYTHING'S FINE...NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT)
Then comes an encore performance with the other batch of clothes! (Preferable to do whites first, trust me on that) Having a large amount of chairs/open shelves/draping-possible areas on which to arrange the sopping wet clothes definately helps!
Be warned: the humidity level rises drastically in the house when partaking in this activity. Another thing to be cautious of is cat fur flying about. With a dozen cats, that can be a challenge. Of course, once dried, and ready for folding/putting away, a roll of masking tape handy helps in case you come across fuzz balls adhering doggadly to any articles of clothing. (See PUN)
As far as your second story, I am MOST glad I have no explosive items to flush, though as a younger child, my son has flushed/shoved numerous items down my toilets. (See SUNGLASSES, ROCKS [don't even ask!] STICKS, HUGE WADS OF TOILET PAPER [half a roll ... again, don't ask please!] PLUS OTHER 'EXPERIMENTAL" THINGS) I can sympathize with Mr. Nice Man who takes away the port-a-john ick, because I have had to role play Mr. Nice Man, and snake out the damn system way too many times in those years! Arrrggg!!! (Can you say, replace a tank, replace a wax seal, replace a freaking bowl!!!??? I think you can!)
Most happy you've survived such torturous events, my man! Bravo! When you get stateside, you may be quite willing to even help your mom with laundry, eh? Hahahahaha! (I'm TRYING to get you help, Will's mom!)
Looking forward to your next enstallment Will. Thanks for the laughs, too. *grins* But hey....I'm laughing WITH you!
Hurry home! Godspeed,
Judi
Not sure if it is better to have a grenade in the shitter or the "Mad Shitter" we had at NTC every rotation who would (no lie) scoop shit out of the port-a-john and write stuff on the walls of the bathroom with it (see Nasty MF'er). I must have missed the poncho/birthday suit post (damn i thought i read them all????) but i bet it would have been a kodak moment.
Take care Will and hurry home to your admiring fans!
It hard to believe that you can write so well so sober so I will chaulk it up to the 5 shots of scotch that jumped it to your mouth.(see opps).
Hey Will
Just have to ask, since you brought up the lack of underwear, doesn't the sand get stuck in, ummm, well, places that the sunshine doesn't? All the 'finish' ought to be off by the time you get home! Ouch!
I am having this mental picture of a row of guys in crew cuts and a muscle or two, standing in front of bowls of water, swishing away, leaning over to their neighbor, saying "Hey, do my whites look dingy?" or "How do you get grass stains out of cotton?" Now, THAT is a Kodak moment. Sorry, couldn't resist a little fun at your expense!
Boys and their toys. Note warning labels on grenades "Not intended for males of any age (except during a fire fight), do not detonate if less than 2 inches from your eyeballs and not cannot be used in playing fetch with Fido (at least more than once!).
Be safe Will.
Posted by: L.V. on May 13, 2003 10:39 PMJust a thought, can you put up a "content warning" and post some of the things he said to motivate his people to follow the rules that were issued? Or, save it for the book, I'll buy it.
Posted by: Bob on May 14, 2003 01:32 AMHey, sweetie~~always nice to hear from you. I think all of us have had experience with hand-washing at some time or another. Didn't your hands get sore from all the wringing?? That is the biggest down side to hand-washing clothes for me. As a mom of eight kids, I have grown to absolutely ADORE my washer and dryer in the basement. When one or the other goes on the kaput, I immediately go into panic mode. :)
Anyway, keep up the good work. As always you are in my thoughts and prayers. I say be happy that your job is washing the vehicles~~pity that poor dude that has to suck shit for his pay.
love you lots~Kris
Hey Will,
Thank you so much for answering my question for the laundry. I've never thought you can have a cleaning service at Camp. That is sounds better than my weekly laundry work. Ironing work nicely came along with mine. I wanted to answer your question to show my appreciation but I am too dumb to answer that. But I'm sure you will cost way more than my salary. And you are totally deserve it.
OK, time to let your royal fans to write love letters to you.
Take Care
N
Posted by: N on May 14, 2003 10:26 PMHey Will, after weeks of lurking (read about your site on FoxNews.com, I think) I wanted to post a quick "thanks" for the great posts. Yours is one of 4 blogs by service members I read daily, and yours is usually the most entertaining! Keep your ass safe and get out of there soon.
Posted by: BoSoxGirl on May 15, 2003 08:45 AMWill,
your blogs are rad! Thanks for the insider view of military life and your experiences in the Middle East. Much appreciated. The fact that you're a good writer makes your blog even more valuable (says the magazine editor with a big smile).
If you visit Southern California, I'll gladly treat you to a drink and/or dinner.
Take care,
Amy
Will,
I have been reading your little bits of military wisdom for weeks. It is the reminder that my life trapped in a business suit behind a desk is not all that bad.
I hate laundry too! Of course, all i do is grab a basket and head downstairs and get to it. So again, there is another way you have reminded me that we do not have it all that bad here.
I wish you all my luck and i hope you get to come home soon. if ya do, stop by Cleveland one day and we will take you out for a homecoming!!
Hi Will,
I don't think I'll ever complain (too much) about having to do laundry again. Your latest E-mail is a scream! I again laughed until my stomach hurt. Your stories are amazing, and I admire your wonderful sense of humor. Your book will be a huge best seller. Keep it going and stay safe. Hope you can come home soon.
Posted by: Dawn on May 15, 2003 09:54 PMDrunk, hungover, no underwear, we don't care, just get home safe & soon!
P.S. That's how we always are down here in Texas!!!
Will - love the blogs! keep 'em coming!
Posted by: bonzo on May 16, 2003 01:16 PMGee, If your a good boy maybe Mom will feel sorry for you when you get back, And maybe wash your clothes for a month. No underwear one less thing to wash. HMMMM?
How much destin do you guys go thru?
Personally Will, I think I'll go on complaining. When you are back... and seeing you have the experience... care to do my (see mountaineous pile) laundry?
Keep smiling
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Will is a pretty good writer and this is the collection of his writings. It'll be interesting to hear updates from a soldier's point of view, so I'll be posting them for all to read.
Take care Will