Hello All,

Here’s the news from the front of the rear. The news is that there is no news, not in the classic sense of the word. We’re still waiting for orders, and that means we’re still washing large boxes. Maybe my car wash allusion was a bad idea back in February, it looked good on paper but now I’m thinking that it was a little too real. I don’t mind washing the big cargo boxes, it’s something to keep busy and pass the time. Somehow I’ve managed to swallow my pride and accept the fact that there are shit-jobs everywhere
and this one is mine. Nobody put a gun to my head and made me enlist, or
re-enlist… twice. I knew what I was getting into and at least I’ll never wonder what life in the middle-east is like.

I did go out to dinner again last night. The food is so good it’s exquisite and I’m really liking wearing civilian clothes. As a change of pace, it’s the next best thing to going home. I did encounter a strange thing after dinner, though. We were sitting with some indigenous personnel (see Locals) and they told us that they thought that the U.S. Government blew up the World Trade Center to justify taking over the world. Yep, just like you’re doing, I said, “Excuse me? Are you stoned?” They were dead serious. All of them, and it seems like this is a common theme in this area.

Apparently they all believe it because it was on the internet. Well, here we go again. Prepare to rant….

Ok, so let me get this straight, because you read it on the internet, that makes it true? No, but several people all said the same thing, and they had pictures too? You don’t say? Let me help you out here, Mustafa, and break down a couple things for you.

Al Gore invented the internet so that we could communicate more freely, thereby sharing ideas and grow as a community. The concept of freedom of speech is one of our greatest rights, it empowers us to criticize our government without fear of retribution. I know that may seem a bit “freaky” to you, being able to speak your mind, but let me raise the bar for you a little bit… ANYBODY, can say ANYTHING in the U.S. That means if I wanted to say that I saw Elvis eating pink Taco’s in Times Square wearing a Muu-Muu and ruby red slippers, I could. I could stand on any street corner in America with a sign the said. “I saw Elvis eating pink Taco’s in Times Square wearing a Muu-Muu and ruby red slippers!” and nobody could arrest me for it.

But wait, my little repressed friend, there’s more. With our freedoms we’ve been able to make certain technological advances. You see, with the ability to think for yourself and an education system that isn’t limited to the rich and powerful, we’ve made significant breakthroughs. An example would be PhotoShop, a tool that with the proper time and training (see previous dig on education system) one could create a picture of Elvis eating pink Taco’s in Times Square wearing a Muu-Muu and ruby red slippers.

So, what does all that mean? Let me give you the Readers Digest version of this little tirade, Don’t Believe Everything You Read. Let me go a step further, Don’t Believe Everything You Hear. That’s right, try thinking for yourself and stop following the party line. Just because a priest or a king or a nut job on the internet says something, doesn’t make it true. And if you can swallow that, just because someone took the time to write it down, that doesn’t make it true either.

I know this might cause a LOT of anger in some people, but while you’re pissed off at me for saying it, ask yourself one question. Why? Why are you angry? Is it because these concepts scare you and your belief system? Or is it because you finally heard a little boy say, “The Emperor has no clothes.” And this message isn’t just for those people living in countries without the basic freedoms of my homeland. This is a little reminder to everyone at home, too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there’s a big government conspiracy and that you can’t believe in anything anymore, I’ m saying we all slip and toe the party line every now and then, myself included, and forget to ask the most important question, “Why?”

Why are we driving the speed limit? Why are taxes so high? Why is Elvis eating pink Taco’s in Times Square wearing a Muu-Muu and ruby red slippers?

I love you all,

Will

Hello All,

Another day in Kuwait, another retirement point. I’m not going to delve into the process of retirement because I would like this to be entertaining to people other than insomniacs. However today is the second day of Army chow (see Food, sometimes) and I am happy to report that the chow is good. It’s actually better than good by Army standards, it’s damn good (no, not quite Outstanding, but its getting better).

Now I’m no restaurant critic, but I do know good food (at least I did before I spent 6 months on active duty) and while I don’t live to eat, I eat for a bit more than life itself (a little twister to get your brain going, it took me 5 minutes to put that together!). The Navy chow was not bad by any stretch of the imagination, and when you consider what we were eating out in the desert it looked gourmet. However, this food is better. I don’t know how it would compare to food at home (my taste buds are still a little leery from this deployment), but I’m a much happier trooper.

I’ve enjoyed 4 meals so far in the new chow hall (oh yeah, the Army had to build their own, apparently they didn’t like the Navy one or didn’t want to take over the lease) and I only have one compliant. There isn’t as much room in the new facility as the old. This isn’t a deal breaker by any means, just the only shortcoming I’ve seen so far.

The first thing I noticed yesterday morning as I went through the line was the lack of Americans working in the facility. Yep, the work has been contracted out but not to Kuwaitis. These people are from all over the world; Philippines, Africa, other Middle East countries and many others. I don’t know how much this is costing you, the tax-payer, but it’s working out pretty well for me this far. My company has a mess section (see Cooks), but I guess it’s cheaper to let them pull guard duty and pay foreign nationals to cook (go figure?).

The next thing was the abundance of fresh fruits and vegetables. The Navy always had these often overlooked items, but the Army has brought in a much higher quality and quantity. I wasn’t a huge fan of eating healthy before I got here, but now that I’ve spent 6 months away from fast food and grease fried everything, I’m beginning to think a little differently. Not that I’m going vegetarian, heavens no. Cows and pigs and chickens were put on the earth for food, and I thank God for them. That brings me to my next point (no, not God, but he’s in here), the meals.

The meals are pretty good also. The Navy served a lunch consisting of cold meat sandwiches and soup (yeah, that’s what I thought too. Hot friggin’ soup in the desert? What the hell are they thinking?), and while that’s not bad every now and then, it’s not fun to eat for months at a time. In fact, I used to like to eat sandwiches, but now not so much. The Army is serving three meals a day. No sandwiches. No soup. Hooray! Breakfast today had biscuits and gravy, one of my personal favorites, and it was the best biscuits and gravy I’ve had all year (wait a second, I haven’t had any all year… well, no wonder?).

All in all I’m very happy with the new chow facilities. The food is good and there is a nice variety of healthy stuff. The other good news is that we’ve been released from the MEF (Marine Expeditionary Forces), yippie. The less than good news is that we’re still awaiting orders for another mission or to go home. There have been abundant rumors that I will not mention here (I hate rumors), and no official word whatsoever.

Don’t worry, we’re not just laying around soaking up the sunshine. We are now washing big cargo boxes so they can be loaded onto a ship and sent home (yep, another exciting mission). This is an job even more exciting than the last (not) and we are all motivated to perform our duties with the utmost professionalism (bullshit). I have been told by one of our officers that this job will in NO WAY prevent us from redeploying home (watch me hold my breath). This all might sound cynical but we haven’t seen the best of luck on this trip. But I’m a soldier, and I will go where I am told to go, and do what I’m told to do. Because that’s what soldiers do, they follow orders. Man I miss my job in Omaha.

At least the checks don’t bounce.

I love you all,

Will

PS – Little Jake is doing well, he just weighed in at 2 pounds and 12 ounces and he’s eating more everyday. Looks like the little guy and I have something in common, we both like food. Keep up the good work little guy, I ’ll buy you a big teddy bear when I get home.

Hello All,

Remember when I said, I wonder what will happen next? Maybe pigs will fly!" Well oinkers aren't soaring, but this morning we have FOG. You know that I'm not a morning person, but this shook me awake. It's kinda creepy how the moisture holds in all the sound and figures just emerge from the gray haze, and I'm really liking it. It hasn't gotten muggy, yet, so right now I'm going for a walk and enjoy the coolness (on more than one level) of the morning.

I love you all,

Will

Hello All,

In my days as a computer geek I learned a lot about the whole right-way/wrong-way concept. In many ways my life resembled a Dilbert cartoon, an example would be when I was called to a woman’s desk to change her screen saver. Nope, not kidding, to change her screen saver. Well, I
have learned on this trip through the life and times of active military service that there is also an Army-way, and it’s not necessarily the right-way or the wrong-way. Another example, sure I can do that.

The Army is taking over this camp, relieving the Navy and allowing all the sailors to head on to greener pastures (I hope they’re greener, all you have here is sand). Now that Army uses a different checkbook than the Navy, even though all the cash comes from you taxpayers pockets (oh, yeah, since this is still a combat zone I’m not paying taxes right now, none of us are. Isn’ t that great!). Anyway, as the Army takes over the post, it also assumes all the responsibilities for the day-to-day operations, i.e. food, water, Port-O-Crappers.

The Port-O-Crapper, a magnificent invention that can be appreciated by all is all we have for toilets around here. In the last war, I am told, they didn’t have Port-O-Crappers and had to build latrines with a waste management system consisting of a 55 gallon drum cut in half. Soldiers would relieve themselves into the drum, and after time it would have to be dumped into a large pit with other excrement and then burned. This detail (see Army for job) would be lovingly referred to as Shit Burning, and was reserved for soldiers that screwed up REALLY badly (you can imagine the smell). But we don’t have that problem we have Port-O-Crappers.

At least we did have Port-O-Crappers. New management means new contracts and new Port-O-Crappers, and that means the old ones need to be hauled away, enter the Army way. Before you could haul away the old ones they needed to be cleaned out, so they were and to prevent further use laid on their sides. This made it pretty obvious to even the densest trooper that the Port-O-Crapper is out of service and shouldn’t be used. This way the old crappers could be prepared to be removed and the new ones could be installed (why would the Army want to use the same crappers as the Navy was using? I mean, they were NAVY crappers, right? It’s not like the Army could use Navy crappers, right?).

Now it’s a little sad to say this, but I’ve become something of a connoisseur of Port-O-Crappers. I’ve been using them since I got to this country, and I’ve got to tell you that there is a difference. The old ones were way better (see hygienic and I’ll spare you the details) than these new models, yep, that is pathetic. Uuug, I know way too much about these things. I can’t wait to get to the land of flush toilets and pizza delivery and cold beer and oh, sorry… I was in my happy place.

However, whoever planned this operation did not take into account that we would still need to use some kind of latrine (see French for, “To Shit”) until the new crappers were installed. The powers that be decided that a good way to manage waste removal and rotate the crappers would be to knock down 4 old crappers and leave one standing in it’s stead. Can you see the problem here? Be advised that the 4 previous crappers were well used (see
Busy) enough to need 4 crappers. Now there is only one. And this has happened at several points around the camp, not just by my tent. I wouldn’t call this the right way, and it could sure be a lot more wrong, so I guess it’s the Army way.

Wait a second, more wrong? What the heck is that? That would be where all the crappers were removed except one outside the perimeter, past the concertina wire, beyond the machine guns and on top of a big sand dune. Yeah, that would be more wrong than the current system. Oh wait, that would be retarded.

The good news is that the toilet paper shortage isn’t quite so bad.

I love you all,

Will

PS – There’s a plot to tip some of those old Port-O-Crappers back over. I don’t know who might do something like that, but I’ll bet that he’s in my company, hell, I’ll bet he’s in my platoon.

Hello All,

In case you haven’t been keeping track (and why would you, I’m the one that’ s here) I been on active duty for 180 days now. Yep, a whopping six months. Whew, where does the time go? I suppose that I could reminisce about all the things that I’ve been through to date, but that would be way too depressing for me so I’m gonna talk about the newest event here in Kuwait. Humidity.

“Wait a minute,” you might say, “there’s no humidity in the desert!” And until yesterday I would have agreed with you. But yesterday morning I walked out of the tent and saw something weird with the sand. It was a deep, dark brown. Now, I am by no means a morning person. So as I stumbled to the Port-O-Crapper I only gave the sand passing notice, but after relieving myself I stopped to notice the wet sand. And then the humidity broke through my semi-lucid meandering and landed on me like a brick. The air was (and still is for that matter) thick with moisture and the morning sun was focused through it like a magnifying glass. At first I couldn’t recognize what was causing me all this pain, but then somebody said, “reminds me of Ft. Leonardwood,” and it all became clear. I had forgotten that water can hang in the air like a sheet and focus Mr. Sun’s (my old
friend) energy on my head like a sadistic kid burning ants on a sidewalk. Oh happy day.

The good news is that the humidity is coming from the Persian Gulf and it has lowered the high temperature around here, yesterday we had about 80% humidity and a high of 111. I thought that I knew what hot weather was, but I was wrong. What’s that old saying, “Never think that you’ve seen the best because there’s always someone better waiting to show up and prove you wrong.” Ok, so that’s not really an old saying, but it does resemble one. Anyway, I am currently enjoying a new experience here, and if you consider it’s about a 500 meter walk to the shower, you begin to see how pointless the act has become. In these conditions I broke a sweat walking to the shower. The huge silos that hold the water for the shower sit outside, and naturally are full of warm (see Hot, thanks to Mr. Sun) water, so I take a warm shower. There are little fans in the wall to blow air around the shower area and they feel pretty good, but then I get to walk the 500 meters (see Quarter mile) back to the tent. And I’m all sweaty again, HUZAH! I don’t know how, but I’ll just bet that General Winter (see Asshole) has something to do with this.

The light at the end of the tunnel is getting bigger, I just hope that it isn’t a train. On the 1st of August the powers that be requested that my unit be released from the Marines early. No word if it’ll happen, but if it does there is the potential to come home early as well, but that depends on the Army. After the Marines cut us loose, we fall under Army command. That ’s where the train comes in. I’m actually a little worried about what my real bosses will have in mind for us. Another mission or a trip home? How much time will we have to out-process? Will any of my guys make it home for college, or will they just miss it? What the hell is going on in Korea? Everyone here is wondering and worrying about all these same questions and the tension is getting higher.

The ammo is rolling in again, and the work is helping people work off frustrations, but there is a rumble rolling through the company. I fear a major explosion, and have felt the urge to fight myself on more than one occasion. I love these people, but I am sick of living with them and tired of this place. I don’t mean to bitch because the folks in Baghdad have a much worse life than I do, but I have found myself looking to pick a fight or elevating an argument for no reason. I have seen the same actions in others here and it’s happening more and more frequently and if we don’t get some good news soon I know that there will be a blow up. Put too many rats in a cage for too long and they will fight, it’s just a matter of time.

Don’t worry, we’ll be fine. A little fist fight is a good thing now and then, and we are soldiers. We should be able to take a couple punches here and there, and dish ‘em back out. Finally there’s a good reason NOT to have alcohol here. If there was, we’d be having fights from the second week, but then this tension probably wouldn’t have gotten to this level either.

180 days of active duty. Humidity. I can’t wait to see what happens next. Maybe pigs will fly!

I love you all,

Will