Hello All,

With yesterday's excitement I forgot all about the news that really made me scratch my head. You see when all this began, over a year ago, my Company had one No-Show. We tried to find him, but he wasn't at work or at home. We called his family and his mother said, "You're not takin' my BOY!" Well, sorry lady, but if your boy doesn't show up in the next 27 days (he gets 30 to report) we're gonna call him a deserter.

He didn't show. We called the Provost Marshall (think of a Super MP, kinda like a Sheriff but different) and they issued a warrant. We all thought of the little prick as a coward, and I think we're right. If he's been reading this he knows what we've been going through and that he made a very bad choice.

Better make that choices, but I'll get to that in a minute. Sure enough he was picked up for speeding and arrested on charges of desertion. I think that the max penalty for that is death, but I'm not JAG (Judge Advocate General - see Army for lawyers or a TV show) and I've heard that reservists are just getting Dishonorable Discharges and a kick in the ass. That's what this little schmuck probably would have received, except...

When he was turned over the the Army at Ft. Riley he claimed that he was crazy, so they shipped his dumb ass across the country (on your tax payer
dime) for a psych eval. The Army head-shrinkers quickly agreed that he wasn't crazy, just stupid and told him that he had to go back to Ft. Riley and take his medicine. But wait, this is the Army and since he's going there anyway why not put him to good use? This Army Car needs to go to Kansas and he needs to go to Kansas so why not put one in the other and save a little time? The kid can't be THAT stupid...

Well, maybe it wasn't a good idea to give a 'flight-risk' a car with a full tank of gas. Maybe somebody should have told him that desertion, twice, along with Grand Theft Army Auto will probably land him in an entirely DIFFERENT Kansas location where his daily activites would include big rocks, not-so-big rocks and little rocks (oh, and a hammer). Maybe they should have realized that if he'd run from war he's sure to run from authority and he surely did. At least he hasn't reported to the good (as good as Army posts get) place in Kansas yet, and that is not a good thing. Kid, if you're reading this you need to get your dumb ass to Riley ASAP and pray that they don't lock you up for the max. Or you could just run for Mexico and NEVER come home again because if any of us soldiers that are doing your job and picking up the excess slack caused by your gutless, yellow, lower that whale shit ass we're gonna thump your skull and drag you down to the Sheriff. Oh, and watch out for those steps 'cause you're gonna fall 'up' them at least two more times.

But, he's probably too busy getting that "Exit Only" tattoo on his butt to have time to read right now.

I love you all,

Will

Once again we have orders. Orders are orders, as they say, and you can't deny that orders are your orders to do whatever they order you to do... are you annoyed with my little toying with words? Ok, here's the meat.

The orders tell us when we're leaving Iraq, where we're going in Kuwait, when we're leaving Kuwait and where we're going in CONUS. If I don't sound excited to see this on paper allow me to say FUCKIN' A JIM! I guess they didn't forget about us and our orders make no mention of relief, so if they're not here someone else is gonna have to get off their asses and do our jobs (yep, that's plural for a reason and nope, I'm still not gonna tell you). It's not that I don't care about the mission or that it keeps on working after I'm gone, well, um... ok ok I care, but it's time for somebody else to try this job and see if they like it.

Anyway, I had written up a big spiel on sarcasm and life in the Army but I'm just in too good a mood to rant right now. How about some local news instead? Ok.

Sgt. D (from Arizona) has been having a tough week. She was lighting a Yukon heater (a heater that burns mogas, not very efficient but very toasty) and burnt her eyebrows off. Not a pretty sight but it was pretty funny to watch. Her new name... sparky.

With this redeployment I've learned something interesting about government credit cards. Did you know that you have to take a class before you can be given one. No, I don't have one but can you imagine what that class would be like? "Alright class, to use your card at the store you need to swipe it through the slot. Now, a proper swiping motion is horizontal and smooth. Be sure that you have the magnetic strip, that's the black line on the back, inside the little slot..." My hair is falling out just thinking about it.

The Bulgarian Army (all 24 of them) were escorting a convoy up the road and saw some haji's on top of a bridge. They did NOT however see the two U.S. Army trucks on the bridge with them and jumped to the conclusion that there were terrorists about and opened fire. Nobody was hurt but as I understand it several underpants won't be coming home.

I love you all,

Will

Hello All,

Well I have returned to Kuwait, not because it's time to pack up and head home (but it sure does feel like it), no, because we needed to turn in some equipment. I'll be headed back up north very soon, but since I have a computer here and time to write, why not send a message home.

Kuwait is everything that I remembered. That being said I would tell you about the bureaucracy of life here in the rear, but I think that you can all imagine it for yourselves. Need help, ok try this. Imagine micromanagement incorporated with triple check inventory controls and a complete lack of initiative due to soldiers afraid to rock the boat.

It's not like I asked the guy to kill somebody, I just wanted him (the little bastard) to agree that if I have 18 pieces of fabric with different serial numbers on each one and all of those pieces of fabric came from a water bladder it would be safe to say that they were no longer serviceable. But NO, he had to look at each and every one of them... so screw you buddy, we'll come back later when you're not here and someone that understands common sense is around. Pablo (my guy in Kuwait that likes to describe this place as 'The Black Hole of Hell') did know an inside player here that bought some common sense to the PX and we found him the next day.

The funny part is that um... wait, hold on a sec, I'm sure there was a funny part... well. I guess there wasn't a funny part. Yep, now I remember the nicotine and alcohol cravings and the burning desire to punch that little rat in the face and I'm sure there was no funny part. Oh, yeah this is Kuwait.

The good part of Kuwait is the hotdog stand. I was never a huge hotdog fan before this trip, but once I had one I was hooked. I've eaten eight dogs so far and if the sandstorm ever dies down I'll go get two more. Maybe it's the mustard, but these things rule. The lemonade isn't bad either.

Oh, and the countdown is now at 35 days to 365 in theater. That's 5 weeks. One month and one week. We don't have redeployment orders, yet, or replacements, yet, but I'm told that they're only days away. Did you just hear a whistle?

I love you all,

Will

PS - Jake now weighs 15 pounds and is making noises like the babies on the Flintstones. My little godson is getting bigger and noisier by the day. Oh, and he sleeps with his arms over his head like he's signaling a touchdown.

Hello All,

That light just got a little bit brighter and I've checked to make sure that I'm not on an Acme Rocket Sled so I think that's good news. In other good news we got some stuff this week - Cool stuff that made me smile.

SAPI Plates. Small Arms Protective Inserts (see the extra armor that actually STOPS bullets from going thru your chest) have arrived and been issued to all the troops. I don't know how we made it these last months without them, but I am glad to have them now. Did I mention that our 365-day mark is less than 50 days away? Somehow I'm not surprised that we get them now. At least we haven't needed them.

Coins are cool. Not the nickels and quarters that you lucky civilians use, but the Army type that commanders and SMAJ's hand out to the troops. You know, I've never received one before and always kinda thought it'd be cool to have one, and now I do. Thanks to the folks at Anheuser-Busch I finally have an Army-Type Coin. Yep, the makers of the King of Beers coined me and every other troop in theater and have won (or bought) a lifetime friend. Ok, so the King and I have been friends for years but now I have proof that our friendship goes both ways (ok, I know that it's probably a marketing ploy to win over customers and I'm being used like a pawn, but it might get me a free beer now and then and nobody from Miller bothered to say thanks so I'm willing to be played). You might think it's a little sad that my only Army coin came from a brewery but I'm happy to say that I love beer and I serve the Army.

Another cool thing I got this week is 6 days without rain. I know that I'm jinxing it but I don't care (actually a little would be nice to keep the dust down).

Oh, and it's getting a little warmer here. It's not actually cold at night, just a bit chilly unlike home where Omaha had 21 inches of snow dropped on it. Glad I didn't have to shovel.

I love you all,

Will